I trust that the e-mail finds you and your wife blessed and prospering in the Lord!

I apologize that the e-mail I promised will not be as I promised, for as quickly as there was peace and harmony in the home - that quickly it has been snatched away. Dr. Abella, even just a few moments ago that ever-present threat. He says that it's too late and I have pushed him too far. It's like living with an ever-present insecurity - waiting for that ax to fall. Then I "fall back in line" and often resent it. I don't want that in mt spirit! If I have a bad mood or get stressed or push too hard to communicate, I make him mad. I admit, I have had a hard time walking in the manner the Lord has called when I can't trust him, he won't wear his wedding ring, he is so cold. And yet, there was that reprieve for almost a week. But now my husband acts like that never happened. I know that this is a war and I am trying to stay strong. I am blessed to testify that the Lord has given me great opportunity to encourage 2 other women. He gave the words and I spoke (or rather e-mailed them). I know this is a ministry in the making, Dr. Abella - but some days (I guess when the flesh rises up), I just don't know if I can stand another moment and my thoughts and words become evil toward my husband. I repent and fall again. I am fighting the urge to give up. It hurts so bad!!! And I am so sorry for all I have done wrong in trying to make my husband do right. I can't make him - that job belongs to the Lord. But now he has again made his threat to leave.

Thanks so much to you and your wife for your prayers and support.

Love in Jesus - and I say this in faith...one day I will give you an awesome testimony of salvation and restoration.
 

Fiona - Germany

Answer Dr. Kasheke

Dear Sister Fiona,

Thank you for writing. I appreciate your courage in advising us of the attack you suffered and the setback you feel in your soul. I sensed the pain and confusion you have endured so I felt I had to respond very promptly.

One thing you need to know is that these kind of reactions happen often with people (husbands or wives) who do not know the Lord as their personal Saviour. Your husband is in deep darkness because he does not have the Holy Spirit living inside of his heart to speak to him, direct him or to show him how to respond to your needs. That is where you have a big advantage over him. You do have the Holy Spirit living inside you and He can easily access your soul to speak to you on how to deal with any situation Satan throws into your marital relationship. Also Rom 8:26-28 says that the Holy Sprit will prays for us because he knows your pain. He directs you or warns you of things to come and how to deal with them in order to avoid emotional chaos in your soul and in your home. "Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Rom 8:26-28

God is able to speak directly to you but please realize He has no direct access to your husband's soul. In other words, your husband sees you as his wife but does not know how to respond to your emotional needs as a wife. Does this justify his hateful reaction towards you? Not at all, because he does have the choice to accept Christ and in doing so will see your beauty and love you as Christ would want him to. So we are not justifying his wrongful reactions but are trying to help you to see that an unsaved person does not think or react at all like a saved person. I sense that you really need to understand the heart of an unbeliever. Todd does not think like you think and he never will until the light of God comes into his soul; he does not understand marriage as God intended it to be. Therefore, don't condemn him but instead pity him, have compassion for his lost soul and pray fervently that he may know Christ.

Sister, the only reason you are able to act with serenity is because of the indwelling presence of the Lord in your heart. Please know that God is only appreciated when a born-again wife or husband can love, cherish, honor, esteem and revere a mate by listening to the Holy Spirit. Todd cannot appreciate God at the moment; he can only give love as the world perceives love. Most of the hand holding we see in malls from couples who do not know the Lord, are misleading - it is not true love. Behind closed doors is another story. We perceive that some couples are so much in love, but follow them home and spend a few moments there and you will see how worldly love behaves. It most often becomes a battleground - bullets fire from husband to wife and wife to husband. Their home is not a secure haven of love because hope and security can only be provided by God. According to 1 Corinthians 7:14, because of Jesus in your heart, you are hope, security and cause of sanctification for that man. Through you God's grace can easily save him. "For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy."1 Cor 7:14

All other things that the world may try to offer including its love, is false hope which is shallow, transparentand lasts only for a short time. Christ is the only Hope, our ever present assurance, our consolation when we are confused and need Him to come to rescue us, our protection when we are hated and flooded by many trials as you have experienced with Todd.

Sister Fiona, since you have the Lord in your heart, know that Jesus is the most faithful and loving husband anyone in this world is in need of, including you husband, for He always brings peace since He is the Prince of Peace. His name is the I am, Jesus Christ the Saviour, an ever present help in the time of need (Ps. 46). He will never disappoint you!!!

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah. There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early. The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah. Come, behold the works of the LORD, what desolations he hath made in the earth. He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire. Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah. Ps 46:1-11

Please try to remember that Jesus is right there with you when Todd is insulting you. Do not lose hope, instead, continue to pray. We are with you. Monday night, my wife and I were getting ready for bed and immediately the Lord put it upon our hearts to pray for you. We did not know the reason for such a quick prompting but we obeyed and started praying for your family. When your letter arrived Tuesday morning, it only came to show us what you were going through that night and of which Christ had prompted us to cover in prayer. So you can see, Jesus is trying to speak to your husband. I always tell sisters and brothers who are married to unsaved loved ones that the journey to the cross is never easy. Trying to live with a unsaved person is very difficult! Their action and reactions are always unpredictable. Someone in the same situation said to me that her life is like riding a roller coaster. She is often confused because her emotions go up and down every day. This is true for everyone who is in a marital situation like you are in. But take heart that you are not alone. We are praying for you. Yes, you are living with an"ever-present insecurity waiting for that axe to fall" but who is your Lord? John 1:1-10 says that there was nothing that was made or created that Christ did not make. He was there before Todd was born and He can save him, tame him down for you and transform his life. Why and how? Because Tod is human and Christ is Lord! If the power of death and the stone that was rolled on His sepulcher could not hold Him under their power and thus defeat Him, who is Todd? - A peace of cake!!!

Patience or longsuffering is listed as being one of the fruit of the Spirit and since you have been able to exercise a patient temperament what you need to do now, is to urgently ask the Holy Spirit to manifest His self-control in you. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts." Gal 5:22-24 This is very critical for the survival of your marriage as we wait through prayer for God to act on your behalf. I am sure you know that moods which are misdirected, disrupt the flow of peace the Holy Spirit is trying to build through you around your husband by quickly destroying your feminine nature and inner beauty. If your husband was saved, the Holy Spirit would be able to communicate to him that you have a mood change which is temporal and it will change, but you well know that Todd is not saved so he cannot figure these things out. He does not understand this simple truth. Even if you explain it to him, he will not react with the love of God because he doesn't have the love of God in his heart. Mood changes in a woman's body as well as a man's are written about and well covered in my books in the section entitled, God's Balanced Equation, Book 2. When changes start to occur in your body, as a women you can feel it. What should you do? There is a place to dump moods - it is at the Cross. Sit at the foot of Calvary's cross and pray without ceasing, leaving everything that bothers you there and walk home in peace.Just try it and you will see that it really works. Be an overcomer and walk in victory."Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you."Phil 4:4-9. And read the next verse, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Phil 4:13. Also see what John says:"Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." I Jn 4:4

Having said all that, honestly, I am not in your house to know how your husband treats you. Is he always angry? Is there times when he behaves like a normal loving human being? Does he have a kind nature? Does he beat you? Is he a maniac every time you come home and you want to quietly share things with him? Does he always react in a negative way? Do you do things or say things to provoke him? Please help me to understand what is going on. Also, please remember that by pushing too hard to communicate when you are in these moods, will do nothing less than worsen the situation you are in now. If you don't use caution all the time, you have to know that you are "making you husband mad."If you are in a bad mood, keep quiet and remain in prayer.This is the best solution to your problem and to those marriages which are in the same situation. When you keep quiet, your husband will come to you and He will ask you what is wrong. Then you can tell him you are not feeling at your best. You may be surprised to see him give you a hug or a kiss. Every man wants to protect his vulnerable wife in times of need and this will cause him to tenderly take care of you. The worst thing you can do is lash out on him; consider where he is spiritually because you are the one who will have to give and forgive.

You wrote, "I admit, I have had a hard time walking in the manner the Lord has called when I can't trust him, he won't wear his wedding ring, he is so cold." What does this have to do with losing your quietness and hope in prayer or your cool? Where is your assurance and certainty that Christ will save him one day? In order to have our prayers answered, we must hope for things we have not yet obtained. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Heb 11:1 And, is it alright to add this? "For we are saved by hope: but hopethat is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. Rom 8:24-25 From the moment we lose hope right into the raging war, our faith for which we have been hoping, ceases to exist and the devil proclaims victory to his demons in the high place. "Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." Eph 6:11-13Sister, stand!!! Do what is right.

Once again let me remind you, your husband is not saved. He does not know what trust is all about; to him trust is not as important as it is to you because salvation is built on trust and that is your entire life for God is trust and to have Him, we must enter His love and trust. Todd sees trust as the world sees it, his mind is darkened by sin so he cannot see the light of the gospel or the purpose of trust. "This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind, Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart:Who being past feeling have given themselves over unto lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness." Eph 4:17-19 Furthermore, he does not even know why he has a ring, or what a ring on a finger symbolizes. If you think he knows or if you think people who are not saved and wear them know why they are married, then think about this. Why do husbands get another woman and sleep with her when they are wearing the same wedding ring from the wife they have left at home crying her head off? To the unsaved, wedding rings are an ornament they wear on their finger. The beauty and the exuberance they hope to nourish themselves with in their relationship with the "girl" or wife they just married, tarnishes and fades away in just a few days, a few months or a few years after their splendid wedding. Why? Because they don't have that daily supply of love that the Holy Spirit pours on a mate each day which moves them to desire their spouse. For you the saved, a wedding ring symbolizes deep heartfelt love and faithfulness into keeping your marital bed undefiled, but for an unsaved person, a wedding ring is just a ornament. If you have to be jealous when you know you are married to an unsaved husband, let me warn you that you will easily have a heart attack.

In my books there is a testimony of a pastor who once walked into his own house and found his wife snuggled tightly around her lover's waist. Every time he came home and collided with this revolting scene going on on His won bed, he turned back, closed the door slowly, sat in the living room and started to read his Bible. What would happen to you if you walked into your house and found Todd on top of a woman in your bed? Will you kill her? Will you kill your husband? The Bible says, "Thou shall not kill." Will you scream and holler, throw things around and cause a big scene? Will you divorce your husband right there on the spot? Will resentment and bitterness take over your thoughts? Resentment is next to killing; it is sin or fury waiting at the door to hurt or kill. Read the story of Can

"But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell. And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen? If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him. And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him. Gen 4:5-8. Sister, having met this pastor in a seminar where he was preaching about the Holy Spirit and the power He gives to help us endure the worst trials in life, we asked him how he reacted each time he met his wife making love to another man in his own house and in his own bed. He simply answered that the Holy Spirit told him each time he saw his wife with the man to remember this, "Let the dead bury their own dead." Now that is strong, but that is how God looks at the unsaved - as dead. He can't talk to them as He desires to, so, to Him they are "living dead". Your husband is like this pastor's unsaved wife, he is dead in trespasses and sin. Once again the Bible calls you as the believer to forgive and pray for the salvation of your beloved. Resentment, jealousy, bitterness, anger, unforgiveness ...etc should be left at the foot of the cross also. They bring no health but a slow death to a child of God's pure conscience.

It is you only who knows why you are wearing the ring. If your husband refuses to wear the ring, tell the Lord! If he is as cold as a fish, tell the Lord! If he doesn't exhibit trust, tell the Lord! Christ our Saviour is the best hugger and sweetheart ever. He will never leave you and will never disappoint you. "Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me." Heb 13:5-6 When Todd comes to Christ, wearing a ring will be automatic. You will not even need to remind him., he will be prompted by the Holy Spirit to love you like crazy. As many women do - (so to speak) it will be your time to hide under the tables. Am I giving you false hopes? Not at all!!! For I know that my Lord answers prayer and He saves even the toughest, vilest sinner on earth. He sent proud King Nebuchadnezzar into the wilderness for seven years and when he mind came bach to him, he returned to his kingdom and gave praises to the Lord. Also, He saved Paul who killed hundreds of thousands and was anxious to eliminate the entire church. I have seen God change the cruel, merciless heart of a wife - really bitter than bitterness itself who turned to love her husband like you wouldn't believe. So I know that God is mighty to save. Is your Todd tougher than these guys? As for now, you need to humble yourself. It is your kind, loving and humble manner which will melt your husband's heart. Do what my father used to advise couples to do; when anger boils, run to the sink, take a mouthful but don't swallow the water. Put a small spoon in your mouth and hold it tightly until all the angry words you intended to blare out of your mouth at your spouse are gone! Wise words; don't you think? Would you say you are a controlling women? If so, that kind of life is not good. Please stop driving and give Christ the steering wheel for He is the best driver I have ever seen. He will get you safely home with your Todd. As the Bible says, trust God and lean not on you own emotions or understanding. "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."Prov. 3:5,6

Dear Sister Fiona, although you are hard pressed on every side, please know that we are praying that the impossible will become possible, for there is nothing impossible for God. Since you are beginning to counsel some sisters, I believe God has stared this ministry to help wives who are in the same situation as you are in now. Although it is never appropriate for any of us to accept suffering, sometimes our bad experiences can become the best tools which Christ can use to help hurting friends. As to how you should react to your husband when he starts hollering insults at you, try to keep quiet and pray. Let him see you shine with the glory of God. I really don't know how important you think this is or how strongly you feel about planting this in your heart. If I were closer to you, I would come with my wife to visit and to speak to your husband. We want every marriage to work. But as you can see an e-mail is the only thing I can do at the present.

My dear sister, please stop condemning yourself and just pray. Satan is trying to keep you down by throwing guilt on you. If you have repented for what you've done, then keep pressing forward. Sometimes we are sorry for what we have done over and over again when Jesus has already forgiven us. What happens is that we remain in the sorrow and that is how Satan will keep us from going forward. Confess your wrongdoings to God, your husband and then forgive yourself. If you slip and respond to Todd with anger, don't blame everything on yourself. Just confess to God and your husband again. Remember too that since Todd is the husband, you know that the Bible calls him to cover you when you are weak. So as a wife, you are exercising you feminine faculties when you want to see Todd come to your rescue, but at the same time you need to remember that he is not born-again and therefore does not understand divine headship, responsibility or "rescue missions". This language is only understood by saved husbands who have humbled themselves and are ready to minister to their wives. Your actions are human and as a person who is anointed by God to be protected, cherished and desired, you deserves to be loved; you do have the right to show him his fault too. However, don't take upon the world's point of view regarding "rights". Use this as your weapon. "Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. Eph 5:19-22 The word says speak. Yelling is the contrary of speaking!!! Speaking with hymn, submitting to one another in the fear of God is to have power and not to be a wimp or chickenas many people think. This does really make a big difference in every walk of our lives as Christians. "He who gives a right answer kisses the lips." Prov 24:26 (NKJV)

You should talk to your husband about problems in love, not demanding your own way or opinions by using unkind, rash words, put-downs, pointing of fingers, slamming of doors, threats or any other destructive method. That is how Satan speaks. You, a Christians - a Queen married to Christ need to speak gently, respectfully and quietly, with the help of the Holy Spirit. Always try to remember to do this with humbleness, when the atmosphere is good. Maybe after a lovemaking moment when his heart is still reminiscing on the blessedness you have shared, you can say, "Todd, I am very sorry, I was wrong. Please forgive me. You know honey if I had presented the problem in a better way, it probably would not have led to an argument. I know I did not present what I was feeling with respect and honor. I love you very much and I'm happy we're together and you have forgiven me." Then give him a big hug and kiss. Forgive and forgive. When you want to win over a defensive person, always accept to be at fault. Take the blame. God expects you to give and forgive more because you have His love abiding in you and your husband does not. This of course will win him over. "For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?"1 Cor. 7:16 As a wife, only do what you can with great respect. Cast all your burdens and cares on Christ for He cares for you. (1 Pt. 5:7) Please plant this in you heart - when you feel as if the axe has fallen, remember these things. The axe has not fallen and it will never fall against you because you are a born-again Christian. According to the Bible it will fall on Todd, for the Word says that an axe is already laid at the root so that the roots of evil will be chopped down through repentance and Todd will saved. "And now also the axe is laid unto the root of the trees: every tree therefore which bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire." Luke 3:9 Yes, sister, I believe that one day you will send an awesome testimony about what Christ has done for you and Todd.

Sister Fiona, to finish, I hope and pray that this letter will help you deal with what you are going through. I am sorry I cannot get all the scriptures I have referred to in the letter to facilitate a quick reading and understanding. I have many other letters to respond to and Satan has crashed my computer with all my recent files on the Hardrive. When your e-mail popped up, and being busy trying to recover them, the Lord told me I had to respond immediately. And since I type like a turtle and my secretary is busy working on other things, please do your best to read this letter on the website where it will be published and well edited with all the scriptures referenced.

Convey my warmest kisses to the sisters you are ministering to. May God bless you in your ministry. It is very important - keep it up. May He keep you focused on His love for your husband and may Satan be defeated.

Kisses to your husband and your child. Please receive our holy hugs of comfort, from me and my wife.

May Christ bless you,

Your servant,

Rev. Dr. Abella Kasheke