February 16, 2001

Dear Pastor Abel,

Thank you for your e-mail. I had tried to e-mail you a few weeks ago, but the message came back. Your letter to me was great print it the way it is using "sister or Judy" instead of my name. I agree that marital relations in the church are "taboo" and there is a lot of hurt and ignorance as a result. During and after my divorce, my eyes were opened as to the fact that there were numerous people in my church, (which was a very conservative Pentecostal church) who were victims of affairs. There were affairs in the church that were kept "hush hush" and no one dared to confront the problem. I wondered how many happy marriages there were really, even in the church. I've got to go now.  Please write me back soon and please pray for me.

Judy

USA, 

Dear sister Judy,

Thank you for your quick response. I am sorry your message was returned. I was in the process of moving the ministry's web site to another company for better service. The process was full of complications and took longer than I anticipated. That's why I was not able to receive your e-mail or any others. Now everything  is okay. Praise the Lord. Thank you for sharing with me about your painful experience. Your observation of unresolved marital problems within a marriage and the emotional, physical and spiritual pain involved, results in affairs even within the church.The sin of adultery or "affairs" as the world terms it, drives God's power out of a church leaving it susceptible to total chaos. (Book 1 - The Church The House Of God - pg. 1-33; also Book 1 - Salvation- The Foundation For Every Christian Home - pg. 35-47)It saddens me to hear when God's house of healing has become a place where couples have chosen to practice lewdness before God. Affairs cause undue, unjust hurt to the innocent victims involved. This shows how the church has seriously fallen! I can only imagine how painful it must have felt for you to go through such a difficult ordeal and at the same time see the mess which was going on in the church right under your nose. On top of that, you had no one to help you. I am very sorry.

As far as God is concerned, marriage is a sacred thing. Couples should never turn it into something ordinary, mundane or boring. Marriage is a binding covenant between God and a man and woman. (Book 2 - God Hates Divorce - pg. 87-107) God Himself is the one who has set the conditions or terms of a marriage covenant. If a couple refuses to abide by those terms, then the marital relationship will never enter into the blessedness of marriage, the way God intended it to be. Marriage is the only provision God has presented to mankind by which He can defeat Satan. God is prepared to fight tooth and nail for the sanctity of the marriage covenant by empowering the husband and wife with His Agape Marital Anointing. Every couple needs to have this 1 Corinthians 13 anointing working in their relationship to unite them in spirit, body and mind. A couple who has this anointing will be solidly united in divine love by the continuous flow of romantic blessings from one to the other. Spontaneous, intimate demonstrations of love kindled and prompted by the Holy Spirit from a husband to his wife, and from the wife to the husband strengthens and nourishes the relationship. Do you remember reading in Book 1 - Letter To The Husband - pg. 69-71 about the creation of Adam? Regardless of the power and abilities God had given to him, he still felt isolated, incomplete, lonely. Naming all the animals was not enough - taking charge of the garden was not enough either. (Gen 2:20). Something was missing despite his genius mind and the fact of being created in the image of God to fellowship with Him daily. Adam longed for a mate, a companion, a confidante, one he could share with, an intimate partner, someone he could touch and hold close, a wife. Adam could see that every animal in the garden had their own mate - he needed his own to fellowship with also. ( Book 1 - Letter To The Husband - pg. 69-71) It is good to note that Adam desired only one wife. God provided only one - Eve. He did not present two women to Adam. (Book 1- Marriage Defined, First Wedding - pg. 147-153)The Bible tells us that he rejoiced in this perfect gift from God. (Gen. 2:23; Prov.18:20) They were both inflamed with love, passion and romance. (Book 1 - God's Original Love - pg. 186-190)

What is most confusing and troublesome today is that many Christian husbands and wives are not pleased with the gift of life that our heavenly Father has chosen and given them to love, enjoy and have fun with. Instead when trouble comes, they resolve to throw away their gift and grab another believers' gift thinking that their thirst of love will be quenched by committing adultery. (Book 1 - Adultery - pg. 31-33) The truth is that husband and wife swapping will never satisfy the hungry heart or resolve marital unhappiness. Satan is a liar. (John 8:44) It is our responsibility as pastors, through proper Biblical teaching, to help those who are burdened with marital dissatisfaction to show them the reasons why they decided to marry in the first place. I believe this is where premarital counseling must play its greatest role - before two people are joined together as husband and wife. Each one should be told why they feel the way they do for the other. I have had young people who want to marry, tell me, "If I don't get married to so and so, I will never ever marry. I will just die!" If people cannot afford to live without the other before marriage, why do they suddenly want out of the commitment after marriage? Why are couples so strong in their conviction before marriage, yet when they start living together they change and become enemies? Is this God's intent for ordaining marriage or is it Satan's work to disrupt the flow of love and unity between husband and wife knowing a bond of strong love will threaten his kingdom?

It's obvious that the latter is true. Satan knows that when a husband and wife fellowship together in a cheerful marital union under the leadership of God's agape marital anointing, their sexual union not only unleashes physical satisfaction but will solidify their sours intercourse thus making their marriage a home through which God's power moves to destroy all Satan's strongholds which are sent to operate in the church. It is only love that can save and deliver the world. God's love! He wants couples to never covet another person's relationship but to make room for the Holy Spirit to enter their own marriage and make it grow. This is the reason why God provided the agape marital anointing - so that each Christian couple will burn with that pure emotional love which invites physical love and an unquenchable spiritual love that no other man or woman can fill except the one who is called by the heavenly Father to heal them. (Book 2 - How To Receive The Agape Marital Anointing - pg. 223-267) God intended love to be a constant growing thing. When love grows, it brings joy and satisfaction and causes the one who is being loved to worship the Lord with great freedom. When a husband and his wife nourish themselves with ample doses of each other's love through devoted courtship, there will never be a day that either one of them would even think of looking at another mate who is seated on the next pew and lust for them. What for??? (Book 1- Satan's Greatest Misconception - pg. 135138; Unceasing Courtship - pg. 256-260)

A few couples who read my books and have been filled with the agape marital anointing tell me they need extra counselling in time management because they forget to do the routine chores of life like paying the bills. This is because they are so much in love, they are literally addicted to one another. After a long day's work they can't wait to get home so they can fall into one another's arms. Believe me, they are immensely blessed, bills are the last thing on their minds. (Book 1 - Rhoda's Advice - pg. 274-278) Sister, I believe there is no better addiction that a man or woman can have than the addiction to love their spouse. The Bible says that loving a wife or loving a husband should not be considered as a duty; it should be an addiction (obsession), reflecting the pain and death of Jesus Christ on the cross for His bride, the Church. Doesn't the Bible command the husband to love his wife unto death?(Eph. 5:25-28) Sister, death is a terrible addiction! Once a person falls into it, he cannot separate himself from its power. Every husband and wife must enter into their marriage covenant by death.(Heb. 9:16-17) In other wordsthey both must die - each must renounce all rights to self.A covenant requires a sacrifice and a sacrifice requires a death. Therefore the husband must die; he can no longer live for himself but must sacrifice everything he is and everything he owns in order for the covenant to work properly. Everything must go to the Cross - no holding back - no secret ambitions, lovers or habits.Then he must live totally for his wife. The wife must do the same. The man's life becomes the woman's and the woman's life becomes the man's. They live their lives through one another. This is exactly what Jesus Christ does for us, his bride. Verse 28 says that a husband who loves his wife as Christ loves His Bride, the Church, cherishes and nourishes her just as he loves his own body by nourishing and protecting it. Once the vow "I do" is spoken, then each must esteem the other higher than himself. This means their partner's interests and needs take precedence over their own - both lives are spent in living for the other. This is true romance, true love. The process of leaving, cleaving, replenishing, multiplying and fruitfulness must occur. (Book 1 - Discovering The Secret Of Romance - pg. 129-134)

As the Word shows in the Song of Solomon, the Shulamite plainly displays how a wife should daily "yearn" for her husband's love. She says,

 "Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned." Song of Solomon 8:6-7

What kind of waters and floods is the Shulamite referring to which cannot quench the vehement flame of love placed in a husband and wife by God? Is she talking of another woman or women? Judge for yourself. Let's read Proverbs 5:15.

 "Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well."

The Word of God calls a man to drink water from his own cistern and running water from his own well. What is the Bible telling us? Is the Bible asking a man to drink from a well he has dug in the ground or is there another implication? Let's replace the word cistern and well with "wife". A man is asked to drink water from his own wife. What in the world does that mean? God is simply saying that everything a man desires to have, can be found in his wife. (Book 1 - A Woman Is Supplied For The Salvation Of Her Husband - pg. 71-74)She is his spiritual well of emotional joy. In other words, she is a reservoir of love for him and his life depends on her.

Now look at the Shulamite's call. What do you suppose the wife should do if she knows that she is her husband's well of love? Should she supply his need of water (love) or should she let him die of thirst? The Shulamite is happy to quench Solomon's thirst for love. She knows that her love is far more superior to any other woman's love in Jerusalem (today's church) because her love is the only love that will satisfy his deepest longings. She invites Solomon to burn with love for her, to anticipate deep, passionate lovemaking. God made one man for one woman to please and satisfy each other. (Book 1 - To You With Love, pg. 69-83; Unceasing Courtship - pg. 256-260)From the time a couple announces their engagement until their marriage of a hundred and fifty years is ended by earthly death, this is the message we as pastors must try to instill in the hearts of believers with the help of the Holy Spirit. The Shulamite tells us that affairs can never quench the thirst for love in a man or woman's heart. You see, love is stronger than death and every husband and wife must die with the desire to cleave into their mate as Christ did with His bride until He died on the cross for the church.(Book 1 - How To Become A Loving Man  - pg. 189-190)

Remember Adam and Eve. They worshipped God in spirit and truth through physical, sexual (romantic or intimate), emotional and spiritual intercourse. Their act of worship to God demonstrated through romantic courtship and love for one another, along with its loving fruits, united as one act of praise to the Almighty. This was also reflected by Solomon's words and the Shulamite's words which they lavished upon each other in the Song Of Solomon. Neither were shy about the other's naked body. We can also witness the same agape love in the stories of Isaac and Rebekah. All these great lovers knew that pleasure, peace and joy were to be found in the union of their love for each other. (Book 2 - World Views Toward Love - Ancient And Uncivilized - pg. 160-161)

In my experience counselling couples, I have discovered the biggest problem causing marriage breakups is shame. (Book 1 - Shame, Shame, Double-Shame - pg. 117-142)Shame, the result of a rebellious heart, is the devil himself operating in marital relationships. It rocks the foundations of many marriages through sexual misconceptionscausing the relationship to crumble and smash just like the walls of Jericho. There are countless church-going couples out there who are being strangled in their own bedrooms by the same spirit of fear which caused Adam and Eve to blame one another for the mess they were in. (Book 1 - The Blame Game - pg. 179-189) Instead of humbling themselves before one another and before God they both stomped off in opposite directions in a trail of verbal innuendos, looking for a way to justify their wrong doing. Shame was birthed and so they ended up covering themselves with leaves to try and hide their nakedness. (See Book 1 - The Secret Behind The Nakedness Of A Husband And Wife - pg. 181-186)This of course, was not the answer to their marital problems. Their was only one answer.(Book 1 - Becoming One Flesh - pg. 185-186)

Before the fall, Adam and Eve were free to make love in the presence of God without fear or guilt. Their moments of love were infinite, insurmountable. Their love ceased to be such after they rebelled against God and one another. The fall interrupted their perfect and spotless marital union. Their freedom of love was gone. What would make the only two people living on earth run from each other and God? The same power that is killing marriages today - shame. It is awfully powerful. It can hide in many bedrooms without no one knowing. The only time you see its ugly head is when a pastor sees a man or woman enter his office and irreconcilably demand a divorce as if God who created all things has died. This is exactly what happened to Adam and Eve after they sinned. They had no idea that pride would bring shame into their marital union. In book one, page 118, I wrote, "Satan, by many avenues, has used shame as a tool to destroy the blessedness of intense sexual pleasure between a husband and a wife. A couple may find they are not free to enjoy the sexual beauty and nature of each other because of the continuous guilt and shame that is associated with nudity, kissing, caressing, intercourse, orgasm, and so on." Relationships have been hindered or destroyed because both men and women are not able to talk and share openly about sex. Sister, believe it or not - shame is the number one cause of divorce in the church. It is an easy door for Satan to pass through into a marriage.
        Shame forbids a husband or wife from enjoying their partner's sexual advances, touches and caresses.
        Shame hinders a pastor from preaching and teaching the church that marital intimacy is a divinely ordered andinspired act which the Holy Spirit impresses upon couples to savour and whereby empowers them for service.
           Shame causes a woman to run in the closet until all the lights are out before lovemaking, fearing I don't know what.
           Shame makes a person think sex is dirty.
           Shame won't allow a husband to kiss and caress the entire body of his wife. Shame says certain regions are "off limits."
           Shame puts restrictions on lovemaking positions and techniques.  It's only one way, in one area, every time.
        Shame prevents a woman from sharing with her husband her deepest passions and sexual desires.
           Shame prevents a woman from touching and caressing her husband's sexual parts.
           Shame coerces a husband to feel that his body belongs to him - shame tells a man he can do whatever he wants to do with his body, when the Bible says this is not true.
           Shame tells a person that sex is reserved for certain times of the week or month. Shame inhibits a person from making love anywhere, at anytime.
           Shame won't let a husband and wife show signs of affection in front of their children.
        Shame, is a coverup for past hurts which were not healed before marriage.
           Shame causes a person to be very defensive.
           Shame makes a husband or wife judge the other person's body as being unclean when it was made by God and is the temple of the Holy Spirit.
           Shame won't let a wife ask her husband for sex because she thinks it's not proper.
           Shame tells a woman she is ugly and unappealing.
           Shame brings accusations, fear and condemnation.
           Shame brings lack of self-esteem and confidence in many men.
           Shame causes a person to refuse God's truth to remain in ignorance.
        Shame prevents a person from being free and spontaneous.

         Shame is a merciless cancer that silently ravishes life. Satan uses shame in many Christian marriages to eat away at the core of a couple's love. The Bible calls this defiling the marriage bed. (Book 2 - Defiling A Marriage Bed - pg. 25-39) It causes the loss of esteem for one another and the will to honour and cherish each other as equal partners. Decidedly, the disease will slowly spread and propagate throughout the entire body until every cell of love has died. Yes, I have seen what shame has done to many marriages. It needs to be uprooted from a man and woman's heart. Shame is the origin of many affairs. When a woman has been affectionately courted by the tenderness of her future husband and then after the wedding she soon discovers her husband's sentiments have diminished  to nothing, she will find herself confused, frustrated and crying endlessly just for a single, tender touch. After months of suffering rejection, her heart will devise ways to fill her longing for love and attention and Satan will be right there to offer another woman's husband who is also crying for the same love and attention to fill his neglected, wounded heart. The worst thing a husband can ever do to his wife, is to let the fire of love die. Having read my books you know what I am talking about; every woman needs to be desired and emotionally cheered by her beloved. (Book 1 - The Woman's Orgasm - pg. 191-199) When a woman is not cheered by her husband, the wife feels hopeless and lost. For a man, his greatest desire is a wife who is willing to accept his romance and enjoy it. Often women are on fire the first four months of their marriage and then they turn to ice, leaving the man lost in the heat of his expectation. (Book 1 - Letter To The Wife - pg. 75-83; Wife Do You Misunderstand The Inseparable Love? pg. 273-278) Not all marriages end in divorce. However, if shame continues, that relationship cannot grow in agape love because the heart will harden and grow cold. They will live a life of indifference, apathy and fantasy - always thinking what it would be like to live with someone else.

These are some of the reasons why Jesus is filling couples with His Agape Marital Anointing. It is so couples can reenter their garden of love again and again with passionate expectations just as Solomon and the Shulamite enjoyed their intimate moments of love. If passionate expectations are not met, that spouse will search for love and attempt to fill the void with every person of the opposite sex that comes their way. This is no longer love, but lust. After reading your letter, I realized there will be only a few people entering heaven from our churches if couples continue the practice of going to church to flirt and seduce other husbands and wives rather than worshipping God. This is serious! We pastors had better stand up and face Satan face to face. We must chase him out of our churches by confronting those who are committing adultery in our church pews. There is a story in Book 2 - How An Adulterous Man Was Cured - pages 35-39 about two ladies who confronted a married man with a lustful heart. This man, a member of the church, was lusting for the Pastor's wife right in the church pew. The wife of the pastor and the wife of that married man were made aware of his promiscuous heart so they planned to catch this man in his sinful ways. As the story goes, he unknowingly praised his own wife during an adulterous act, thinking he was sleeping with the pastor's wife and was caught red-handed in his sin. Our churches need more men and women who are bold enough to clean the church from fornication and adultery.

In order for a marriage to stand Satan's blows, the husband and wife must willingly submit their body to each other as God commands,

 "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." 1 Cor. 7:3

It is surprising to know that God is not speaking only of a husband and wife's sexual parts, He is speaking about  their entire bodies. God asks both the  husband and wife to willingly relinquish all rights to their body. (See Book 1 The Key To Minister Effectively To Your Husband - pg. 80-83) Many men and women selfishly keep their bodies as their own property. For example, when a person says, "I can't make love because I have a headache," or "I'm too tired to make love," is the person being sincere in his statement or is he really saying, "Hands off, this is my body, I own it, don't touch me"? Sometimes the body does not feel well and that's okay but too often husbands and wives use overworked excuses like these when asked to make love. If a spouse continually refuses their partner's sexual advances you can be sure that the door is open for the devil to cause a spouse to have lustful thoughts and fantasies about someone else. That's the way it is. (Book 2 - Fantasies Are Harmless - Aren't They? - pg. 64-72; also Book 2 - Understanding Masturbation - pg. 59-72) A husband is to meet the needs of his wife as the wife is to meet the needs of her husband. If a husband can't have his wife to make love with or vice-versa because they won't let them, then they themselves are causing their spouse to entertain the thought of "affairs".

By now, you are well acquainted with this practice sister Judy because of what you have witnessed in the Church. Have you ever thought about this? How many women enjoy the freedom of intimate, sexual love for a time only to later erect walls between themselves and their husbands? What are these walls? Well, there are walls of neglect, assumptions, criticism, silence, frustrations, blame, misunderstandings, selfishness, hurt feelings, rejection, accusations, resentments, presumptions, unfulfilled expectations, taking the other for granted - the list goes on. These walls precipitate the blahs, coldness, withdrawal, harsh, angry words, and mistrust which eventually leads to two proud, uncommunicative people who are no longer one, going in opposite directions. (Book 1 - The Intruders Of Marriage - pg. 49-68) This is a very common practice in most marriages today. For a husband especially, it gets pretty frustrating because he often doesn't realize the walls that have been erected between himself and his wife. Of course the wife thinks her husband knows all about them but is acting ignorant and stupid on purpose so she resolves to keep him in the dark until he smartens up. It gets so bad that the husband just decides to stay clear of his unhappy wife because he doesn't know exactly what the problem is or how to help. A husband at this point may try to alleviate his wife's unhappiness by suggesting sex. Wrong move. Now the wife is really angry with the husband thinking that he doesn't care about her problems and so she refuses his unfeelingly, foolish solution. Don't you think this is a big problem? In the end we have two lonely, confused, frustrated people who don't want to humble themselves. Do you see where shame can lead a couple?

People get married for the wrong reasons. I have found that couples enter into marriage totally unprepared. Men think they can get married and still adhere to a selfish, independent, bachelor lifestyle, women think the same way. Both come into a marriage with the idea, "I have my rights and opinions, you have yours." This is a deadly error which pastors must correct through proper Biblical teaching. (Book 1 - Knowledge - pg. 198-199) Remember, once a man and woman say, "I do," then all rights to self must die. It's dying to self so that the other may live, to fulfill the physical, spiritual and emotional needs of the other. (Book 1 - pg. 254-255-; Book 2 - God's Balanced Equation - pg. 41-58) Every man and woman who marries, begins with the fire of love kindled in their hearts. That fervent love expects to enjoy their partner's entire person until death parts them. It is painful to tell you that in many of my counselling sessions, I have met couples who regret they are trapped in a marital relationship which offers only pain and suffering because of a sudden change caused by shame or ignorance from one partner. After marriage - Boom! Defensive attitudes, blow-ups, arguments, discord, strife, unforgiveness. Something happens to their expectations. The fire of love dies. (Book 1 - Honeymoon Syndrome - pg. 44-47) Generally, if you ask a couple where and when the problem started, the partner who feels deprived will tell you exactly when it happened. The general complaint is, "My wife or husband started to neglect me many years ago." Some will go as far to say, "It happened two, three months, one year..., after our marriage." And they usually add this, "I thought it wouldn't last. I thought it was going to change, but I can't take it any more." Sister, remember this one thing, when a couple opens a door to Satan by developing a habit which will kill the marriage because of selfishness, it is very hard to break it.  As I said in my books, the truth is, when a woman marries, every part of her body belongs to her husband, she gives her rights to her husband. The Shulamite knew this truth well. She opened her well of delightful rivers of love to Solomon without objection or hesitation. She was free to enjoy her husband's pleasurable caresses because she had no shame. Regarding the joy and delight she felt by being united with her beloved, this is what she has to say to today's Christian married women,

 "His left hand is under my head, And his right hand embraces me. I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem [or Church], By the gazelles or by the does of the field, Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases."Song of Solomon 2:6-7

The Shulamite was not ashamed to minister to her husband sexually, she was obliging in every way. In chapter five of Book 1- God's View Towards Intercourse - pg. 102-106,we get a glimpse of her enthusiastic appreciation for Solomon. She metaphorically praises every part of her husband's features. She cannot help herself, it bursts forth from deep within her heart. She concludes with this statement,

 "He is altogether lovely. This is my beloved." Song of Solomon 5:10-17

God is not shy about asking a man to passionately embrace or caress his wife either. Look at the patriarch lovers in the Scriptures and you will see for yourself. Take Isaac and Rebekah. Isaac was not stingy with his endearing words or caresses. God will always come to the rescue of a couple who bless one another in Holy Spirit union. Salvation did not come for Isaac until he was found caressing and making love to his wife. (Gen. 27: 6-11) The same rescue saved Sarah in her old age. She reminded God this should be her time of planting roses in their garden of love (their bedroom.) Sarah's cry for sexual pleasure exceeded the cry of a long awaited child.(Gen. 18:11,12) This scripture is well explained in Book 2 - Sarah's Cry For Sexual Pleasure - pg. 154-161. Abundant love makes a man or woman of God emotionally stable and spiritually strong. Withholding or depriving love renders a spouse weak, consequently they become easy prey to Satan. As you can see from the Shulamite's experience, she emphatically demands that a woman should not get married until she is able to receive the love her husband will give to her without erecting walls. Listen again to the scripture,

 "I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the does of the field, Do not stir up nor awaken love Until it pleases."Song Of Solomon 2:7

Genesis 3:16 shows us the blessed calling God has placed into a woman's heart. The words "Your desire shall be for your husband" shows that the woman is anointed with desires which only her husband can fulfill. (Book 1 - The Woman's Orgasm - pg.191-209).

For a husband to ignore this divine responsibility is to expose the wife to lust and fantasy. This is the origin of adultery or "affairs" in the church. If the deepest needs and desires of a husband or wife have not been met by their spouse they will look somewhere else for fulfillment. (Book 1 - Myths and Misconceptions Concerning Sexual Intercourse - pg. 85-115)The couples you shared about did not come to worship God but to look at other husbands or wives because they were lusting to sleep with them. Jesus said that when a man looks at woman or a woman looks at a man and desires to sleep with her, he has already committed adultery with them in his heart. (Mt.5:28;  Exodus 20:17 and Deuteronomy 5:21 says "You shall not covet your neighbour's wife[...]" Sexual coveting is demonically unleashed by Satan against the church because the sexual and emotional needs of many spouses are not being met. There is not a man, woman, power or teaching which can separate these two human needs; they are part of each other and they both crave for attention. (Rom. 8:35-39) God created each one of us this way so that we could appreciate Him through the love which we receive from our beloved. It is impossible for a person to know God without being loved.(John 3:16) Again the Word says,

 "In this the children of God and the children of the devil are manifest: Whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is he who does not love his brother." 1John  3:10

As you can see, everything that a husband does to bring pleasure or joy to his wife is lovely because God created her body to be sensitive to his touch. That's why even the little things, like opening the door for her, putting a rose on her pillow or speaking endearing words make a big difference in a woman's disposition. We have to see that every loving gesture a husband does for his wife, caresses her entire being. Now, if someone other than her husband did these things she would perceive them only as a nice gesture. On the other hand, if her husband did these things she would perceive the motive of his actions much differently. Whatever a husband does for his wife out of a heart of love, becomes a loving, tender caress to her emotions, mind, body and spirit. A wife cannot live without her husband's loving touches - it is what she longs for. This is what we have seen throughout the scriptures I have already mentioned. Satan hates the practice of righteousness or as the Bible calls it, love. When the flow of love stops between a couple, Satan is right there to bring his warped form of distorted love through illicit "affairs." What he offers appears to be love but it's counterfeit - tainted. It can never be. That person is playing with hellfire. The same holy, worshipful act of love becomes sin (adultery, fornication) when the same members of a husband or wife are used for sex with another person rather than with his/her own wife or husband. This is because the person is having intercourse with someone he has not been joined to before God with a binding covenant, consequently defiling the temple of the Holy Spirit which he dedicated to God and his/her mate.

In premarital counselling, I focus on the importance of God's calling for a wife and her husband and their responsibilities.Often I find that neither the wife, nor her husband have any clue about why they were created the way they were - to be joined together. (Book 1 - To You, With Love  pg. 69-83) God's favor rests on a man and woman who are united in holy matrimony. One of my favourite scriptures in the Bible says this,

 "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord."Proverbs 18:22.

Once a confused woman was very angry at me in my office when I read that scripture to her and her husband in my office. She lashed back, "That is where I have a problem with God. Why does God call me a ‘good thing'? Am I an object or what?" Immediately the Holy Spirit told me to reword the scripture in a language she could understand.  "It is a good thing for a man to find a wife, for he who gets a wife and appreciates her obtains or finds favor from the Lord." Sister, I said, "The Bible is not calling you a thing. You have misunderstood the language and style of the writer." She apologized and sat down to listen. On this day God gave the couple victory. As the counselling went on, I realized later that this poor wife, although highly educated, was angry at God and her husband because she thought God had let women down by saying they were to be used as objects for men. God is not at all saying a woman is a thing or an object and therefore should be used as such. He would be the first to judge such as an offense. What God is trying to express is the outcome of a man joined to a woman under God's blessing and anointing. He is saying a wife will enrich a man's estate, that is, his life will be enhanced, beautified, strengthened, adorned beyond measure. Do you remember the creation story in Genesis one? After God finished making the earth, He said it was good. (Gen 1:4,10,12,18,21,25,31) What did God mean by that? Is God using a rating system to judge the quality of finished creation? Couldn't He have used a more profound word in summing up the work of His hands?

When God said that, "It was good," He meant that everything was perfect, holy, pure - evil was absent. Genesis 1:1 says in the beginning, the earth was without form, void, covered with darkness. The earth existed, yes, but life was missing. God was the only one who could have brought life to that desperate place. This is much like a man's estate until he is joined to his wife. He exists, yes, but he needs a woman, a wife to bring abundant life into his living. Something inside him seeks to find his missing rib. A wife changes the helpless estate of a man because she is the life-giver. The earth had no purpose or sustaining life until God, the Giver of life transformed that desolate place into something vibrant. Since that time, it was never the same - the earth was now filled with His glory, His blessing, His anointing. It was good. So God is saying that it is marvelous, wonderful, divine to find a wife. It's the best thing that could happen to a man. She will bring life into a man's existence. A wife is a perfect gift, there is nothing else that can make a man complete. Often I hear men say, "After we got married, that's when the trouble began" or "I can't figure out my wife, I'll never understand her." This breaks my heart. People truly do not understand that a wife brings life, completion, fulfilment and purpose into a man's life. When I carefully explained to her what God meant by the word, she burst into tears and hugged her husband.

Sister Judy, there are couples out there who don't know why they are married. Why do people marry anyway? Do they marry just for sex? Loneliness? Companionship? To have siblings? To clean the apartment? To share the rent? It is our responsibility as pastors to help couples and confront the ignorance that spouses enter their marriages with. When a man is joined together with a woman in holy matrimony, they become one - they are no longer two. The two separate identities become "one flesh." From the beginning of marriage, a couple must understand this principle. If a wife thinks her husband is married only to one or two areas of her life or one part of her body for sexual satisfaction, which in most cases that is what people think, I can assure you that this marriage is in deep trouble and the wife needs help. This husband I counselled was just as confused as his wife because he thought working and bringing home a big pay cheque every month made his wife the happiest woman in the world. He believed this was the greatest thing a man could do to love a wife. Can billions ever fulfill a wife's desire for her husband's love? No, never! God did not make a woman to be fulfilled by material things; He made a woman to be fulfilled by a husband's love.(Book 1 - The Woman's Orgasm - pg. 191-220, also Book 1 - The Hidden Treasure Is Found  - pg. 221-276) This man could never understand why his wife was an emotional wreck. I explained to him that his wife's greatest need was to be shown love and courtesy every day. He was ecstatic. "I have never done such a thing," he told me. Not knowing how to help him I suggested he try to imagine what kind of things would be lovely to his wife and then do them. Sister, today Love, Love, Love  and Put Your Sweet Lips On Mine is the song on their minds. They left my office blessed and I have never seen them back again. Of course, the most important thing is that they listened and went to practice what they had learned. We must be doers of the Word and not just hearers in every part of our living. (James. 1:22)

I hesitate to tell you that although many couples are being helped by these books and the counselling I provide, not everyone who enters my office is healed from marital shame. Some people refuse to humble themselves to their spouse so their marriage remains in bondage. How sad! The most painful thing I suffer is when I hear that a couple will not submit to one another in the fear of God because they refuse to do the simplest requests made by the Lord. They would rather justify their actions and run to secular counselling for help. Can you imagine? It's like Israel who refused to follow God to the promised land but decided instead to go back to Egypt to be enslaved again. What a pity! People don't want to change; they blame the other and expect the other person to do all the changing but they themselves won't do anything to make things better. So counselling alone without putting things into practice is not the answer. A turbulent marital relationship means loving submission and humility is lacking. The relationship needs God's Agape Marital Anointing so that He can help them to make the necessary changes. (Book 2 - How To Receive The Agape Marital Anointing - pg. 223-267) But first the husband and wife must want the changes that are needed to heal their marriage. Both need to fall on their knees in repentance before the Lord.

In conclusion, it is true to say that in a marriage, the abundant provision of love given by a spouse to the other shows God that that husband and wife appreciate one another and also God's goodness to them in providing such a wonderful gift from heaven. You see, love is a divine provision given to man to bring happiness. Marriage is more than living together as good friends. Marriage transforms the love of good friends into a fuller, richer love which goes way down deep into the soul and demands it to be vulnerable to the other - to give all, withholding nothing, to trust completely just as Christ is vulnerable, ready to give life to His church. Isn't it a divine mystery to think that one day Christ will humble himself again when He comes from heaven to this sinful earth  to take his bride? What a romantic man Jesus is. Perhaps you have heard a prophecy given in a church where the Lord Jesus has said something like this,

 "I love you, my beloved, my bride. You are beautiful my love, my spouse, you have ravished my heart. How much better is thy love than wine. Rise up my love, my fair one and come with me. Make haste, for I am coming soon to be with you."

You see Christ is the most intimate man the world will ever know. He created  marriage to reflect His divine, passionate love. This is why He demands that marital love goes beyond mere friendship and enters another realm called intimacy. The Gladness Band has a song which reflects this kind of love. (© The Gladness Productions Inc. 1999)

JESUS, MY BELOVED

My heart has been stirred by a noble theme
I rejoice and delight in You
You are the most excellent Lord Jesus
Your Name is like sweet perfume.

Lord You are - The Rose of Sharon
Lord You are - The Lily of the Valley
Lord You are - My Beloved
The One I love and adore.

You are the Groom, my precious Jesus
I am Your blood bought Bride
To love and cherish one another
Both now and forevermore.

Lord You are - The Rose of Sharon
Lord You are - The Lily of the Valley
Lord You are- My Beloved
The One I love and adore.

You have taken me into Your chamber
Your banner over me is love
Forever I will be true and ready
My heart is completely Yours.

Lord You are- The Rose of Sharon
Lord You are- The Lily of the Valley
Lord You are - My Beloved
The One I love and adore.

Marital love involves the vulnerable intercourse of the body, mind, soul and spirit. This is true fellowship, perfect love. It casts out fear allowing the door of the heart to swing wide open to intimate love without shame or hindrances, ready to receive and give passionately. The Shulamite's secret in keeping her own heart happy and that of her husband's, is shown in this scripture,

 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear; because fear involves torment." 1 John 4:18

You see, torment is what a husband and wife experiences every day when their relationship has been invaded by Satan's lies and schemes. How can there be intimacy where there is no trust or freedom? How can there be intimacy when one or both are holding back? Both the husband and wife must hold nothing back from the other. If they do, then doubt, question marks and fear will disrupt the flow of passionate, perfect love. Where there is fear, there is shame - there is no intimacy.

Shame is the fruit of Satan's destructive seeds that have been planted in a marriage. Just as shame was sown in the garden of Eden by Satan's deceitful ways, so it will be for every couple who listens to the devil's lies. Shame brings fear! The Word continues to say,

 "But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18

This is the problem right here. Do you see it? When fear creeps into a bed, lack of self esteem creeps in too, then suspicions and self condemnation crawls in behind and the unity and freedom of perfect lovemaking is broken, leaving the couple wondering silently in their hearts if there is a way out of the situation they find themselves in each time they come together to fellowship. There will never be any real intercourse, only "going through the motions." So many are tormented. People do not understand the meaning of marital fellowship. To begin with, one needs to know that marital fellowship is totally different to a relationship that a person has with a mere friend. There is no comparison as far as intimacy is concerned. Intimacy or fellowship involves open, honest living. In contrast, the fellowship Christ savours with His bride, the church, is totally different to the one he has with the angels in heaven.(Heb. 1:7) The holy angels are spirits dispatched by God to minister to the Church, there is no intercourse (intimacy) involved. They are only there to do His bidding. On the other hand, the bride of Christ is intimately involved with Her Bridegroom. There is deep fellowship, sweet communion and ardent intercourse. Together, they love, honour, cherish and protect one another. This passionate, agape love of Christ burns like fire to purge the sin of the world. (Book 2 - The Spouses Wake-up Call  - pg. 269-276)

If a couple does not seek counselling when shame enters their lives, a problem which started in the bedroom may one day visit them like a serpent in the dining room when tempers suddenly flare up at the dinner table in front of invited guests. Satan is never civilized!!! He always shows up to embarrass us. A couple who keeps their private lives hidden behind closed doors when shame is brewing should know that entertaining Satan's pride will lead to destruction. Silence is not always golden as the song says. Pride destroys marriages. It relentlessly beats the mind, body and spirit - it is the worst kind of abuse. (Book 1, pg.38, 64)A spouse who neglects, degrades, resents, retaliates, or withdraws from their partner is cheating them of God's divine blessings. (Book 1 - The Intruders Of Marriage pg. 49; The Metaphorical Song - pg. 102)That one does not really love God because he is being used by the devil to pollute and destroy God's temple. The eternal covenant of love, honor and faithfulness must never be broken. When a spouse forfeits his covenant to his partner, he also forfeits his covenant to God. Adultery breeds jealousy - jealousy cultivates hate and contention - hate and contention bear the fruit of coveting and death.

 "If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen?" 1John  4:18-20

God intended that marital love would be consumed by a husband and wife in purity and transparency so the body could be nourished emotionally. (Book 1 The Two-Way Bridge Of Intercourse pg. 246-247) This is what allows that person to worship God in spirit and truth without shame or guilt. When the flow of love decreases or stops there will be emotional pain, hopelessness and a sense of not belonging. Since the human heart of a man or woman was designed to be filled with love, a neglected person will look for love some where else if he does not receive it from their spouse. Take note that the desire to be loved is the strongest desire. Every human being must be loved. Usually we think the person who has been cheated upon is the victim but we need to see that the person who cheated on his spouse is also the victim. He has been deceived by Satan into thinking another man's wife or another woman's husband can quench the thirst of love that is so demanding. That thirst will never be satisfied by an adulterous relationship. The thirst for love in a marriage can only be quenched by their own partner. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder. (Book 1 Wife Do You Misunderstand The Inseparable Love pg. 273-274) Just as the river of life flows from the throne of God to his bride, that same river of life must flow from one spouse to the other. Love should be the same as God's, continuous, extravagant, vibrant and without cost. Every day a husband is required by God to fill his wife with an abundance of God's love. The love of God is given to the husband by God as he spends time with the Lord to be poured out into his wife. Sister, how beautiful for a man to come home from work and tenderly embrace his wife on his lap anointing her with the warmth of God's passionate love. How do you think God feels when this happens?

In closing, I pray that couples in your church may be enlightened by the Spirit of God to see the truth of these scriptures. God is happy to see a husband ravish his wife just as Solomon ravished his Shulamite. (Book 1 - Solomon's Garden Of Love - pg. 262-267) The following passages are our witness of this couple's love. He says to his wife,

 "You have ravished my heart, My sister, my spouse; You have ravished my heart With one look of your eyes, With one link of your necklace. How fair is your love, My sister, my spouse! How much better than wine is your love, And the scent of your perfumes Than all spices! Your lips, O my spouse, Drip as the honeycomb; Honey and milk are under your tongue; And the fragrance of your garments Is like the fragrance of Lebanon. A garden enclosed Is my sister, my spouse, A spring shut up, A fountain sealed. Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates With pleasant fruits, Fragrant henna with spikenard, Spikenard and saffron, Calamus and cinnamon, With all trees of frankincense, Myrrh and aloes, With all the chief spices A fountain of gardens, A well of living waters, And streams from Lebanon."Song Of Solomon 4:9-15

This man is lovesick for his wife. She responds to him by asking God to awaken her feminine desires with the presence of the Holy Spirit blowing upon her garden. Notice she does not lash out.  She wants to be blessed.

 "Awake, O north wind, And come, O south! she says. Blow upon my garden, That its spices may flow out. Let my beloved come to his garden And eat its pleasant fruits." Song of Solomon 4:16

If couples could only know the heartbeat of God. He longs for every husband and wife to do what the Word commands them to do in pleasing their spouse by nourishing them with God's agape love. If that was the case, there would be no affairs in the church and divorce would be miles and miles away from the doors of our churches. If couples want to see their marriage succeed, they need to open their eyes to the truth of God's covenant of marriage. (Book 2 - Testimonies - pg. 163-222)"Then you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free."(Jn. 8:32) The Bible does not consider sex to be taboo, likewise the minister should not be shy to teach about it in his church. God designed the human body for divine sexual pleasure which in turn enhances our loving relationship to Him. Pastors and couples must throw away the blanket of shame and embrace the truth. In doing so, Satan will be kept outside the doors of our churches where he should be kept.

Remain assured that I and my wife are praying very much for you that the Lord may open doors and bless you fervently. Sorry for writing such a long letter. Read it leisurely and carefully because you will need it when you open your home to minister to couples. So long!

May our Lord bless you and cover you with His love. Amen!

God bless!

Yours in His Service,

Rev. Abella Kasheke.

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